Fatherhood: Rejecting Passivity

This is the third post in my week long series on fatherhood, which is dedicated to my dad, Fred L. Tousey.  The topic today is Rejecting Passivity.

“it's my responsibility to cultivate the man in my son. I can't be passive about that.”  Randy Alcorn, Courageous

FATHERHOOD: REJECTING PASSIVITY

With these words, Psalm 127, Verses 3-5 (ESV) teaches us that children are a gift from God.  “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”  As with any gift we have a responsibility to take care of the children we are given.  We are to respect the gift.  This post will discuss one way in which we can honor the very special gift of fatherhood.

Several years ago I participated in the Men’s Fraternity program at Grace Community Church which is located in Fulton, Maryland.   On Monday nights at 19:00 about 200 guys would gather.  They range in age from teenagers to men older than me. Many churches offer this program.  To find one in your area click on the Men's Fraternity link above.

The Men’s Fraternity program was established by Pastor Robert Lewis.

The program promotes four principles.  These principles are that real men:

1.   Reject Passivity

2.   Accept Responsibility

3.   Leads courageously and

4.   Invest Eternally.

These principles were stressed at each of our meetings and because of their importance I will write a separate post on each of them.

In our society today way too many men have become passive observers in the lives of their children.  They abdicate their responsibilities to their wives, their children’s teachers, coaches and sadly at times to no one at all.  As you read in yesterday’s post the results have not been good.

To be fully engaged (non passive) you must provide your children with both quality and quantity time. Quality time is defined as giving your children your full attention without outside distractions.  Without outside distractions means no texting, no phone calls, no television.  This is time that you and your child are together and your only focus is your child.  Whether it is playing catch, talking, coaching, hiking, it is your quality time together.  Please notice I did not include going to ball games and such.  There are other times for “group” activities; this is your one on one time.

Being fully engaged also means coaching and correcting your child.  In spite of what they think kids are not born knowing everything.  They will make mistakes and it is your responsibility as their father to guide them back on the right path.  You cannot rely on others to do it.  First, it is not an outsider’s responsibility, it is your responsibility.  You are the one that God entrusted with that responsibility.  You are the one who knows the moral road you want your child to travel.  You are the one who knows your child.  Remember no two children are alike.

In rejecting passivity and being engaged in your children’s lives, you must keep a check on your own behavior.  Remember you are a role model and those little eyes are always watching you.   In 2006, Rodney Atkins had a song out which does a great job of reminding fathers that little eyes are always on dad and soaking in everything dad does.  The song is appropriately titled “Watching Me”.  Now I know that dads are not perfect and we will make mistakes that our children will see and when we do we have to acknowledge that we fell short, accept responsibility and move forward.  It is important for our children to see how we move forward after a misstep because in their lives they will take many a misstep after all they are only human.

In my view being fully engaged means letting our children observe us pray.  When my children were young this was an area I was not consciously aware of but I am happy to say my unconscious behavior did provide my children this opportunity.  My daughter and I were talking when she was about 12 and I am not sure how it came up but I said I pray throughout the day.  She responded “Yes, I know I hear you.”   Over the years I have developed a habit of praying aloud in the morning and never gave it a second thought.  I felt so good when she told me that she heard me because I was starting to feel I had failed in that area.  Prayer and a connection with God is critically important.  Make sure your children see you pray and make sure to pray with them. They need you to be a prayerful and Godly role model.  If you have not been doing it, it is not too late to start.

Fatherhood: The Sad Reality of the Absentee Father

This is the second post in a week long series on Fatherhood.  This series is dedicated to my dad, Fred L. Tousey. 

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan observed “there is no institution more vital to our nation’s survival than the American family.  Here the seeds of personal character are planted, the roots of public virtues first nourished.  Through love and instruction, discipline, guidance and example, we learn from our mothers and fathers the values that shape our private lives and our public citizenship.”

In Robert Lewis’ book “Raising a Modern Day Knight” the author references a survey that revealed 76% of high school students and 81% of college students list parents as their biggest moral influences.

There is also a sad reality that many dads do not take an active role in their children’s lives.  This creates a gaping hole because every child likes to view his or her father as a super hero.  Most of us can remember bragging to our friends how our dad was bigger, better and brighter than all the other dads. For the lucky kids this is only a small stretch from reality, but for far too many it is only a fantasy because their father was absent either emotionally or physically. 

An absentee father not only affects his children’s lives but society as well.  I challenge the men, both young and old, who are reading this blog to commit to being strong fathers, strong husbands and strong, positive role models to all around them.  Reject passivity, accept responsibility, lead courageously and invest eternally.

Governor Bob Ehrlich recently observed “During my tenures as Governor, Congressman and Legislator, I visited many of Maryland's juvenile and adult correctional facilities. Often, I left in a melancholy mood. These are no places for the faint of heart. The scenes are right out of "Scared Straight" and disturbingly predictable: jails full of mostly young men with little formal education. Dropouts are plentiful. Many are alcohol or substance abusers. Some suffer from mental illness. Few possess marketable skills. And a majority come from fatherless homes.”

Governor Ehrlich’s observations are supported by Department of Justice statistics which reveal 90% of all prison inmates are males.  The lifetime chance of a women going to prison is 1.8% while it is a staggering 11.3% for males.

The role of fathers is critically important to our children yet many men fail in this responsibility.  In tomorrow’s blog we will discuss a program which is dedicated to educating men how to honor their responsibilities in all phase of their life.  The program is Men’s Fraternity.  We will specifically discuss rejecting passivity.

Fatherhood: What Our National Leaders Say About Fatherhood

Fatherhood: What Our National Leaders Say About Fatherhood

As this Sunday is Father's Day I am beginning a week long series on Fatherhood. This post is the first of this series..  A very important topic that can never be discussed enough.  Today we will take a look at what three national leaders have to say about fatherhood and its importance.  I dedicate this series to my Dad, Fred L. Tousey.  While he became a father later in life he mastered the role so very well.  I only had my dad in for my first eight years he was a great role model in how to be engaged.  Rest in Peace Dad.  I will never forget you. 1915-1967

“Our fathers bear an awesome responsibility --- one that they shoulder willingly and fulfill with a love that asks no recompense.  By turns both gentle and firm, our fathers guide us along the path from infancy to adulthood.  We embody their joy, pain and sacrifices, and inherit memories more cherished than any possession.”   --- President Ronald Reagan, 1981 Father’s Day Proclamation

In 2001, President George W. Bush speaking to the Fourth National Summit on Fatherhood observed “Raising a child requires sacrifice, effort, time, and presence. And there is a wide gap between our best intentions and the reality of today's society. More than one third of American children are living apart from their biological fathers. Of these, five out of six do not see their fathers more than once a week.  Forty percent of the children who live in fatherless households have not seen their fathers in at least a year. Some fathers are forced away by circumstances beyond their control, but many times when a couple with children splits up, the father moves away or simply drifts away.

We know that children who grow up with absent fathers can suffer lasting
damage. They are more likely to end up in poverty or drop out of school,
become addicted to drugs, have a child out of wedlock, or end up in prison. Fatherlessness is not the only cause of these things, but our Nation must recognize it is an important factor.”

  

This problem is recognized across party lines.  Vice President Al Gore speaking at the same summit in 1998 observed,  “The most influential moral teachers in the world -- are mothers and fathers. But fathers -- often because of their absence -- are making far less use than mothers of their power as moral teachers. That is why I believe the single most promising approach for improving our lives, our society, and our world in the next century is to help men become better fathers. Fatherhood, I believe, is the most underused power for good on the face of the earth.”

During his speech Vice President Gore discussed a personal conflict that occurred during his vice presidency, between fatherhood and his job.  He courageously chose fatherhood.  Here is his story. 

“I had scheduled a meeting with a visiting head of state at the White House, and my daughter's soccer game went into double overtime. Tipper was making a speech on mental health in another city, and it was my turn to give out the snacks at the end of the game.  As we began the first overtime, I was thinking "let's call it a draw, kids." As we began the second overtime, I saw diplomatic catastrophe written right across the front page of the newspaper. Fortunately, the game ended, I gave out the snacks, and the interpreter really earned his pay when I went through my detailed account of what happened. But I knew the individual; I had met him before, and he understood. He was a father, too. “

---

[i] Bush, George, W. Remarks  to the Fourth National Summit on Fatherhood, June 7, 2001.

[ii] Gore, Al, Remarks  to the Second National Summit on Fatherhood, June 15, 1998.

Movie Review: Heaven is for Real

Yesterday, April 16, 2014 marked the premier of another Christian movie.  While I never set out to be a movie reviewer, the recent crop of Christian movies has certainly provided me much to write about.

As a Pastor who frequently serves in the funeral ministry I have often recommended Todd Burpo's book "Heaven is for Real", "Heaven is for Real for Kids" and "Heaven is for Real for Little Ones".  Each of these books based on his then 4 year old son's near death experience during emergency surgery for a burst appendix. The movie is based on the books.

The first half hour of the movie provides a very real life introduction to the life of a bi vocational Pastor of a small rural church.  Todd is an unassuming but very caring Pastor, husband and father who works not only as a Pastor but as a garage door installer, wrestling coach and serves the community as a volunteer firefighter.  Colton, his four year old son is his pride and joy and often accompanies his Dad on hospital visits and to funerals. The family scenes through out the movie are very true to life.  They show struggles, disagreements, love and concern.

After a family vacation Colton and his sister, Cassie become sick.  Cassie recovers quickly but Colton remains sick and it turns out he is suffering from a burst appendix which requires emergency surgery.  It appears that all went well and as expected, until Colton begins to share experiences he had in heaven.  At first his dad is skeptical but when Colton begins to discuss relatives that he never met Todd's skepticism turns to belief.  This belief is not shared by the church board which is concerned about the church being turned into a side show.  The story transforms after a chance meeting between Todd and the most outspoken board member. The story does have a happy ending.  I will limit details so I do not ruin the movie for you.

The movie is not hard hitting and non believers are able to enjoy it just as much as devote Christians. The story certainly can provide an opening for discussion with seekers.  I highly recommend the movie to those who wonder about heaven.  I would strongly recommend reading the book as well.  This is an excellent resource for church groups.  The movie might not maintain the interest of young children but it certainly could capture the interest of pre teens and teens who have an interest and/or questions about eternal life.

This movie is very professionally done.  If you are looking for a movie that will keep you on the edge of your seat or one that is hard hitting this is not your movie but if you are looking for a compelling story consistent with Christian beliefs this movie is for you.